Thursday, May 15, 2014

Fear Is A Liar

I think I may have shared some of these demons in a prior post.  Obviously I struggle with these thoughts often to be writing about them again.  I am am oldest child.  If you have studied any birth order theory, you know oldest children tend to be more authoritative and often perfectionists.  Perfectionism grips every fiber of my being, wringing and twisting my insides to the point I either a) quit something before finishing to avoid the ridicule, or b) work tirelessly- literally not sleeping- until I'm finished.  I usually end up crashing from exhaustion & get sick upon the completion as well.  I still manage to find things I didn't do as well as I should have and beat myself up about that until I consume myself in the next project.  I hate it.  It makes me feel empty and lacking self-worth. I want to sit back and enjoy the fruits of my labor without finding flaws.  It's absolute craziness! The definition of insanity is doing something over and over expecting a different result.  I must be insane!

Why do we let ourselves say negative things to minimize our accomplishments?  Why do we allow self-sabatage to even be a part of our repetoir? Why do I feel the need to compare myself to others?  Negative self-talk seems to be a thing with women.  Or maybe women are more open to talking about it.  I've had plenty of male students through the years who were negative self-talkers or self-saboteurs.  We address it in their behavior plans, talk about the roots, implement some new behaviors & rewards; behaviors improve but then negative behaviors seem to creep back in.

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I've been taking part in a health challenge over the last 3 weeks.  It has my wheels turning.  Personal fitness has always been a passionate hobby for me.  Unfortunately more of a yo-yo hobby, but much more consistent in more recent years.  I like working out.  I enjoy learning new ways to workout.  I can workout with a group or by myself.  I like how I feel when I'm fit.  Since my first step class in college I have wanted to lead others in fitness.  Had it not been for major discouragement in high school,  I'd have pursued a career in PT or exercise science in college.  This challenge has me seeing potential in me.  In my capabilities and skills in fitness and nutrition from learning to take care of myself.  The only thing holding me back is this crazy negative self-talk.  That nagging little voice in the back of my head spews little seeds of doubt; you can't even last 30 days gluten free, how will you ever lead others?  People won't listen to you if you can't even stay on track yourself.   Sure you're thin, but not skinny and muscular.  No one will take you seriously.  You can't be a successful fitness coach.  You have no credentials. Bah!

These thoughts are all ridiculous!  I know I am capable.  I know this could be a good thing for me and my spirit.  My entire life's work has been based on helping others.  It's what I do.  This is a good thing I need to pursue.  My gut says go for it.  My mind is doubtful.  How crazy!  I just ran a half marathon!  I have completed multiple rounds of difficult fitness programs.  My body has learned to live without sugars and processed foods without shutting down.  I have what it takes to be able to do this well.  I can do this.  I can do this well.

The next step is to ditch the perfection syndrome.  Not just attempt to ditch it; ditch it for good.
Stay tuned for the crazy about to happen..

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