Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Seeing Red

The last week and a half have been tumultuous, to say the least. New moon, full moon, weather changes, snow then warm then snow again, gloomy grey days with no sun. And a to do list a mile long. All just excuses used in attempt to explain poor behavior, not excluding my own. I'd like to say it's just the kids but it's so much more than immaturity and adolescent hormones coupled with barometric pressure. Communication is lacking in several circles. I pride myself on being a strong communicator. In the last week the communication of those around me has broken down. Each of the situations would easily have been solved by communicating with one another. Seems simple doesn't it? As much as my Type A personality wants to get everyone in a room and hash things out, I'm not sure that's going to work this time. How does one approach hurt feelings delicately without upsetting everyone more than when they began?

Last week made me angry. Just to clarify, I don't do angry. Rarely do I get upset enough to carry on, let alone act like a raging lunatic. Saturday I was ready to burst. Friends had been wronged on our watch. I only worked one day and chaos ensued in my absence, despite well laid plans and discussions about what needed to be completed. Kids made poor choices affecting the wellbeing of my child. Adults acted like children. People lied. Elected officials have threatened to remove another elected official and have lied about the intent. Others encouraged people to lie. I will not stand for adults encouraging anyone to lie, especially when it's to children. What example does that set for them? How can I, as an educator, mentor, coach, and human, encourage another to lie to a child about anything? Does integrity mean nothing anymore? Talk about furious!

I don't do angry. Have I mentioned that? I am  not accustomed to the feelings anger brings.The rage surging through my veins as it did this past weekend was a foreign feeling. No one dared ask me a question. The obscenities flowed like lava out of my mouth at the drop of a hat, also not a typical trait. I worked out. Hard. Heavy. Sweating profusely. No holding back. Still angry. I looked up scripture. The surging pulse of the venom still pounding in my temples. The fire burning in my brain.

The anger is still sitting below the surface despite having addressed issues. It's not as palpable, just strong enough to let me know it's there. It feels ugly. It feels unnatural. It's exhausting but I can't seem to put it to rest; unresolved and festering beneath the surface until it bursts. I don't like this feeling. I'm not dealing with it very well at the moment and I don't like that either. I don't like feeling out of control of my own emotions. All of these situations have been outside of my control. None of them happened while I was there. Nor do all of them involve me directly.  I have chosen to insert myself, or more accurately, my emotions into the situations. Right or wrong, that's what has occurred. A few of the situations require my attention but certainly not all of them. Problem solved? Not completely. The anger will subside. Eventually.

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